Why It's So Hard To Love Someone Suffering With Addiction

Hi, how are you doing this week? Yeah, it can be good. We can have good weeks. We can have really strong weeks, and we can also have really difficult times, can't we?

It's like a roller coaster ride. Being married to someone or being in love with someone, struggling with addiction, it's really hard. 

And addiction happens to really good people. I truly, truly believe that. I always said my ex-husband is one of the most talented human beings I've ever met. He had it all. He was brilliant, kind, funny, charming and good looking. I mean, the guy had it all. And I hear a lot. 

I meet a lot of people struggling with addiction, and they are some of the most talented human beings in the whole wide world.

But I also believe that addiction can bring out the worst in the ones we love.

And I'm going to give you an example. When I talk with my ex-husband, I always try to be polite and respectful during our conversation. 

And if our discussion becomes heated or our past relationship gets brought up, I always try to end our conversation very, very quickly. 

I've created enough distance between me and addiction over the years to recognize when I'm being baited for an argument or fight. 

And most of the time, most not all, I don't fall for it. But there was one particular time I was having a conversation with him many years ago, and it was concerning and important and really touchy subject. It required me to see it through instead of ending the conversation quickly.

When I find myself discussing a topic with my ex-husband, that requires my cooperation and it requires my thoughtfulness while still respecting my boundaries, I really try to keep it short and sweet. Just because we got divorced doesn't mean he's not a part of my life. We have children together. And because he is a person that I once loved very much and I have forgiven him, I try really hard to remain open to the possibility that maybe one day we will have a distant friendship for the sake of our children.

But as you know, addiction is never predictable. And when we're being mistreated, it's easy to put some gloves on and step into the ring. 

Right? Fighting and arguing sometimes feels like a survival skill. So how do we prevent an argument with the person struggling with addiction? It feels impossible sometimes, doesn't it? 

Now, the most important virtue I have come to strive for when I feel like I'm being baited is dignity. I try very, very hard to remain dignified. Why? Because it's the kind and strong choice, I love kind and strong. I love that combination. That, to me, defines dignified. And when my back is up against the wall, and every ounce of me wants to fight back or run for the hills and avoid choosing to remain dignified, it always leaves me feeling proud of myself, and it gives me a sense of self-control. 

So here's an example of something that we can say that I think is dignified. Next time we feel defensive or avoidant, we can say, I hear what you're saying, and if I put myself in your shoes, perhaps I can see where you're coming from.

I'm going to take some time to think about what you've shared, and I will get back to you with some solutions we can talk over. Now, I think that's dignified, and if you want a copy of that, what I just shared, I write everything that I say in these podcasts on my substack. 

You just Google Love Over Addiction and you can find me. But that's dignified. I think it is. 

So listen to this. I tried this approach with my ex-husband one time, and you know what? I got back. He mocked me, you guys, he literally started imitating me, and that's when it hit me. Addiction wants me to fight back. 

Of course, it's making fun of me for being respectful and mature because addiction can't identify with those words. Addiction is manipulative and it's selfish, and it takes from us and the ones we love, it certainly doesn't consider other people's feelings. Addiction is immature and wants to bring us down to its level.

Now, if you're new to this podcast or this community, when I'm talking about addiction, I'm not talking about my ex-husband. I separate my ex-husband and the addiction so that I can help get to a place of forgiveness so that I can tap into my empathy and compassion. 

That is how I got to that point. So there was, the way I look at it is there was three of us in the relationship in the marriage, my ex-husband, addiction, and myself. And let's be also really clear on something else. 

People suffering from addiction are very capable of having loving and thoughtful and considerate conversations. I never, ever want to come across as being hurtful or insensitive to people struggling. They can communicate without being in an argument, but only when they are healing and they are healthy.

And that is exactly why it is so hard to love someone with addiction, because sometimes you can have a conversation with the one you love and it's magic.

You are reminded of why you fell in love with them in the first place because you see their goodness, their truest self, and it feels safe to be vulnerable.

And then there are times when you are no longer dealing with that loving person, and instead, you're dealing with the addiction and their words sting and you feel tricked and hurt.

So next time that you begin a conversation with your loved ones suffering from addiction, you must ask yourself this first, ask yourself, who are you dealing with? If it's addiction, then prepare yourself by being detached and dignified. And if you're dealing with your true partner and it feels safe, you can choose to be vulnerable while still honoring your own personal boundaries. 

Does that make sense? Listen, I know this is a lot and I know that you're listening to this feeling, all sorts of things, but I want to remind you that you've got this. It's not easy, but I am right here beside you, and I want to cheer you on. And I want to remind you that you are not doing this alone. This is so much more common than we think it is. 

There are thousands, hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of people that understand exactly what you're going through. They're just not talking about it. 

Other women, very, very wise women who have been through this, are also commenting, and that's a place where we can encourage one another and find support and it's completely free.