Why We Keep Going Back to Them

Do you ever wonder: "Why do I keep going back to someone who hurts me so much?" There are many reasons we stay, but today, I’m going to be vulnerable and share with you why I deeply loved a man who clearly didn’t love me or himself enough to get sober.

I kept going back because of his potential.

I loved his potential. I was married to a great guy. He was funny, charming, smart, and good-looking. He had it all. And my big and sensitive heart could see all his goodness. It didn’t feel like a choice to love him - I was a magnet to his potential. I thought that if he could just be that loving, wonderful guy all the time, our lives would be amazing. And the truth is... if he got sober, they may have been… but maybe not.

I have a friend whose husband was sober for over ten years, but he was still very narcissistic, and all his decisions were made from a very self-centered place. Getting sober does not guarantee an amazing life.

The truth is, you don’t really know how they would be if your partner gets sober for the rest of their life. The image we have of their potential might not be the most truthful or realistic.

I kept going back because I was scared of being alone.

For so long, all my energy was focused on him. Even when things got really bad (and they got really bad), I would suffer and put up with crap because my fear kept me stuck.

I was afraid no one else would want me. I was afraid I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. I was afraid my kids would blame me. I wasn’t sure how I was going to pay the bills and didn't know where I would live.

The idea of evenings spent alone was terrifying. But, ironically, I was already alone, even if he was sitting right next to me on the couch. Every time he was drunk or high, he might have been with me physically, but he wasn’t with me. He wasn’t offering me anything. Instead, his disease was tearing me down and reinforcing the belief that I wasn’t worth it.

Once I actually left, I realized that it was far healthier to lie in bed by myself and read a good book or watch my favorite movie than lie in my bed and wonder when he was going to join me and how drunk or high he was going to be when he finally came home.

That’s the kind of trick this disease plays on us: it convinces us that lying there worrying if we will ever get sober is better than lying there in peace by ourselves. And that’s just crazy.

I kept going back because I didn’t want to look at myself.

I thought that if I finally left him, I would be able to find a happy and healthy relationship as long as the man was sober. But this could not have been further from the truth. I needed to do my own work. I had to take a good, long look at myself and say, “Where do I need to grow?” “Am I too needy?” Yes. “Do I look to other people to tell me how I should feel?” Yep. “Do I change my mind a lot?” Check. “Am I good at taking care of myself, or do I become resentful when other people don’t meet my needs?” The latter.

These are all things I needed to work on before I got into another relationship and before I decided to leave. I started seeing a therapist and doing my own work. I left him to choose for himself whether to get sober or continue to self-destruct. And the more I took responsibility for myself, the more I realized that I deserved to be cherished and respected. And that made leaving much easier.

I kept going back because I didn’t want to break apart my family.

The real reason I finally decided to leave was not for me but for my kids. I could not stand the idea that they were growing up around a man who emotionally neglected them and that they were surrounded by drugs and alcohol.

A woman can put up with a lot of self-abuse, but when it comes to her children - we are like lions. Waiting to pounce on and protect our young from the enemy, and in this case, the enemy is addiction.

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The truth is, it’s never fun looking at the truth, but if we want to get unstuck, if we want a better life, we have to work for it. It must be intentional work. Will we be scared? Yes, for sure. It will be difficult. But it’s worth every tear, drop of sweat, and heartbeat. Because our life is worth it. And it’s not too late.

No matter how old we are, our future is worth the struggle and the battle. And facing our truths will unlock our heart's healing. We don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. We are all in the same boat here. We get you. This disease has beaten us up, but we will get through this together. We are not powerless. We will be our own biggest advocates, and we are strong and courageous.

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