Yes I do think it's possible to love someone too much !! I have in my head that if he really loves me he will get sober, and here I am 8yrs later and he is worse. Does he have to get drunk everyday to deal with me ?? Is he not happy with me ?? Why do I think it's me ??

Expand full comment

I went to my first Al Anon meeting this week. Nothing happened in my relationship, and there was no major change in my husband's sobriety. But I've been running low on steam for the past few weeks between the demands of being a "good" wife and "good" daughter, and this felt like something for me to keep growing in my part of our family's addiction / sobriety journey. I heard something there that startled me in a good way. A woman checked in with the group about her own recovery, and owned that she has traits that made her relationship with an addict more challenging. I love my husband. I am also here to admit that I'm a caretaker. I'm in a helping profession - it's what I do, it's part of my persona. And when I married an addict, I became an expert in "helping" him (through things like pleading, monitoring, pushing to recovery avenues or even just in walking on eggshells to please him). I still find myself doing some of those things despite his sobriety. And I've noticed that I do these things for other people in my life, just to lesser degrees than when someone is in active addiction. He once said that the biggest downside of being married to me as an addict was that I thought I could cure him / he could be cured. I'm not sure about that, but I'm starting to recognize that caretaking is NOT equal to love and is not the action verb of a healthy relationship. Now continues my work to stop these patterns and to capitalize on his current sobriety to talk through those patterns together and try to build a different relationship.

Expand full comment

Once again, you’re right on target Michelle. All the ups and downs have me exhausted and I keep thinking things are getting better and then the other shoe drops. So I am looking for the courage to follow through on separation. But it is enormously sad precisely because I do love my husband of 26 years so very much…

Expand full comment

He is getting out of rehab ( second attempt) this week. I still bounce between wanting to.know all the details of his recovery plan and thinking that it is his addiction and recovery. There has to be a happy medium but I have trouble finding it.

Expand full comment

I am SO grateful for Michelle and Lover Over Addiction and ALL of your AMAZING women!!!!!

I found this over 3 years ago, "gave myself Grace", and am finally in the excruciating process of divorcing my Narcissistic Abusive/Addict husband. That said, the pain and grief I am experiencing now is NOTHING relative to the soul-searing misery of living with a man who routinely broke his vows to me (and himself) and created endless CHAOS.

I am grateful for all of the wisdom and support I've received (and continue to receive) so that I am able to SEE clearly what is what (and what is not) so I can FREE myself to live my very best life - without addiction and insanity in my home.

I pray that all of you find your way FAR AWAY from anyone who is harming you ASAP so you can have the peace, love, compassion and joy that YOU deserve.

Expand full comment

I wonder at times after 8 years of it, is it that I love him but he doesn't even know how to love anyone or thing except his addiction... and then I think is it really love that I have for him or some type of twisted "I want to save you" to my own detriment bond... its exhausting that is one thing I know for sure

Expand full comment

Being married to an alcoholic for 53 years I have heard it all. When we were at a corporate work affair I refused to get in the car with him. I realized i did not have a credit card on me or my drivers licence. He came back and I drove home with him verbally abusing me. It was the ride from hell as we were in an unfamiliar town. I never went out without my license or credit card again. I tried drinking with him only got so far as 2 glasses of wine and ended up with a massive headache. We lived a wonderful life overseas with the company paying for the housing and schools. When my oldest has a girl I came back to where we used to live with the excuse that I would renovate the house and be with my granddaughter. I was alone for 2 years. He would come back for 2 weeks and I could put up with his nastiness as I knew he would leave soon. When he retired he played with old cars. Buying and selling. We would go to auctions. It was nice and I felt he ironed the money let him enjoy it. Fast forward to our seventies and he can no longer get in the cars let alone wax them

He is making bad decisions I worry about him doing the bills and having control of the money. Everything is in a trust so I guess I would be ok if I decided to move out. But he would be mad as all get out. So I stay and try and keep my mouth shut but that is so hard. I am doing Tms for depression and hope that works. Sorry for going on so long but maybe you were in this situation and it worked out.

Expand full comment

I was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and then found out he relapsed ( I believe before diagnosis) I’m so mad at myself because I’m so stressed over what comes with his addiction , I should be worried about this battle I’m about to fight with cancer.

Expand full comment

I am in the process of moving out of my boydriend's house. We've been tigether 5 years, lived together circa 3.5

He was high on the first night we met, so I knew from the very beginning. We actually did coke together 🤔 He was also upfront about having an issue with addiction, and many many others from the very beginning. So I knew, right? Boy, many times I've had that thrown back in my face 😂

Anyway, his parents bought him a house. (Don't ask, pleeeeease, I am NOT getting involved). And I refused to sign the (offered ONLY to ME) tenancy agreement. Go figure.

I pulled out 3 weeks ago, and all hell broke open. Like, ALL of it. Guess who got all the blame for it, btw 😂 I've no clue what they had planned for me but for once, at least, I listened to my gut and OH MY GOD! You know what? I consider myself a smart person, I have a good job, I don't make bad money, I feel respected at work (well, ish, but that's another matter) how the hell did I find myself in this SHIT SHOW!!!!! And I wanted to scream. I didn't have a voice at ths time. 3 weeks ago. Only. After 5 years.

And then, as everything around me was collapsing (and btw I'm broke, too, and his mommie dearest wanted to force me out of his apartment. HIS. HIIIIIIISSSSS what the hell?????)... as everything was falling apart, these people, around me, started showing up and yeah, all women - all sisters, and Oh My God, I somehow found the most AMAZING support network of AMAZING women and you know what else? It was ME that searched for them and found them and they accepted me and are there for me 100% no matter what and I need to give MYSELF credit for that, too, because I've applied the tools and I TRUSTED my instincts and it makes me feel soo amazing inside, I don't even know how to express it ❤️

Things are good. I have a lot of people around me that love me and care for me and I have never been more grateful🙏🏻

Fully, it all started in LOA 😂 Thank you Michelle 🙏🏻 and thank you Sisters 🙏🏻 for that. I just went on a hunch, I guess, a feeling? There was just something about LOA that drew me in. It felt right? I'm grateful to all, but ALSO to myself for seeking out support. Because I need credit for that, too 😁

BTW I'm stoned right now, because you know why? Because I'm taking a fucking break. Don't care any more. Whatever! And I think my fucking instincts are good, and I PROVED THAT already MANY times, ESPECIALLY these past few weeks, and maybe I've leant all I fucking could about addiction and maybe, just maybe, I CAN have a joint when my life is crushing around me without being JUDGED because I am NOT the IDIOT you made me out to be for the past years so EFF OFF. I have my sisters 🫶🏻 And I have Michelle to thank for that ❤️

Babes, all of you, it is ROUGH out there, please, PLEASE give yourself a break, STOP judging yourself, do whatever you need to do to make yourself happy, TRUST your instincts. I am. Right now. And you wouldn't believe what it opens your eyes to.

I'm not splitting up with my BF, btw. Couldn't bring myself to it. Not yet. Not ready. I don't really intend to? If that makes sense? Basically we'll see how it goes living separately and then... whatever? He's going into recovery, btw. Or, so he promises. But this time I'll be watching from a distance. And that's a big step for me.

Maybe my gut isn't so dumb after all?

I'm packing my bag, I'm grabbing my pup... my little Lilly-loo... the most LOVING (and the most annoying 😂) creature in my life... and we're off on an adventure. See where the road takes us 😊 It will be PERFECT, because I'm not alone ❤️

Sorry for the ramble, as I said - I'm a bit stoned 🤷🏻‍♀️😆

Expand full comment

I just want to add something I think about in my relationship: whether or not the relationship is healthy, some women have to consider their own health/wellness & financial needs, as well as the fear of aloneness in advanced age (no kids? no other family to count on?) It is so much more complex than one question; don't beat yourself up if you are finding it hard. You have your own reasons. Michelle has always given us "permission" to make those decisions each for ourselves--and I have always appreciated it.

Expand full comment

Everyone I have known that was a care taker for an addict eventually became burned-out then burned. The addict(s) live on being the same crappy people as ever.

Expand full comment