Since we love good people who are suffering from addiction, we don’t have what some would call a “normal” relationship. Addiction adds a whole new element to our relationships that, frankly, most people just don’t understand. Because we love someone suffering from addiction, we need to learn how to detach with love.
Detaching gets easier and easier the more years you spend loving the addicted person. For me, I spent the greater part of the last 7 years of our marriage trying to get him help with his addiction (pot), including contacting rehab facilities to see if he would qualify. I tried repeatedly to talk him into in-patient detox...I knew that was the only way for him. He tried maybe 2x in our marriage to quit (cold turkey) and he became violently ill. Suffice to say, after the last failure of quitting, I stopped begging him to get help. I removed my emotions from the situation and started to think about my son's life without a drug addict dad in it regularly. Seeing that his life would be better and healthier without having an addict dad helped me detach. It has been 4 months since we divorced and 2 months since he moved out. The last 2 months gave been the best 2 months I have had as a mom. Loving someone who cared more about their addiction than their own child brought me great sadness and shame, but letting go of that person and knowing that I am not to blame for their addiction and behavior has been so liberating. I still struggle from time to time (we were together 17 years), but my head is cleared of the "abuse fog/loop" I was in and I can quickly snap back now. ❤️
I love this it’s so timely for me. Made it through another horrendous long wknd! He is a bringer. So now for the next couple weeks we go through the mood cycles aaaagh I’m really sick of it. When he has been sober for a few weeks he is the best guy. I am getting better at detaching from his problems and focusing on myself but I feel very lonely doing it because as the article says people don’t understand why we are doing what we are doing. My home used to be a place that everyone just dropped in and felt so welcome. Now it’s so different and sometimes I feel so lonely and resentful. I’ll have been married to him for 25 years this summer !!!! Since the pandemic I have been doing so much self care to remember who I am and it’s been good. But it’s exhausting.
Since 9/2023 I have stopped doing it all. I worked for him part-time and full-time since 2016. I have never been paid, although he paid his sons, his ex-wife when they were married, his daughter, his nephew, his great nephew, but never me and I did everything from getting his beer to cleaning toilets, to Quickbooks, taxes, reports to the government, you name it I did it. Now I am done doing everything and I have realized I am married to a 15 year old in a 58 year old body. He is penniless, he can't get the taxes done, he can't pay his bills, he can't do anything and I won't help him. I have two master's degress and I am trying to find a job in this Podunk town we live in. I still take care of the dogs because it is not their fault, I have had people tell me just leave, leave the dogs and take care of yourself. Okay, I live with a selfish, uncaring person, these dogs did not ask to live here I brought them here, so I am not leaving without them. I have three autoimmune disorders and I have to rely on God or I will literally just sit here and give up. I have detached so much, that I don't know if he will wind up in prison for tax evasion, or if I will. I have no friends, no family to really reach out to, and if I don't rely on God I will not make it. The detaching is hard when you are by yourself, but it is necessary. It is vital to make sure you are not turning yourself into the next "crazy" lady walking the streets talking to herself. I don't know how I am going to get out of this but I know God has a plan and all I can do is trust him. I have no idea where to go from here except a job, then to find a place for me and 6 dogs and start over at age 58. I guesss if Moses can move 2 million people at age 80, and Sarah can have a baby at 99, then I am a child compared to them and God I know still has a plan. The only part I hate about myself if this is my fourth marriage because I was so trying to be the "good christian wife" that I was expected to be, until I learned that most people don't even understand what that means and churches that kept telling me to hang in there, well thanks for nothing. I won't give up on God, but I can't go back to church they have no clue about mental health and addiction, I pray all the time, I give everything to God, but church is just not for me right now. The detaching is getting easier, the living a life with no money is where it gets hard.
Detaching, like all things, has consequences. It’s quite amazing how our psychology works. I got somewhat good at detaching but recently I noticed that I’ve started to detach from important things. I’ve been doing this for so long sometimes I feel lost. I go through cycles of strength and resilience and then sadness and loneliness. I am still with my partner. He is better than he used to be (because I don’t enable him) but now I worry about some mental health signs that could be due to his long term cocaine abuse. This morning I woke up and resolved to do some things differently, again. I’ll find my bearings and keep going. Remembering how incredibly blessed I am and how naturally happy I am helps. In the end, I have no regrets.
We were separated for 4 years and have been divorced almost a year and he has been living with another woman for 3 years. We were together 17 years and most of the time I spent in hell covering up for him and fixing everything he destroyed but, he is the love of my life and I do deserve better than the way he treated me. I should hate him but, I keep forgiving him and thinking about him and I don't want to. He went to prison for 15 mths with a DWI and was in rehab after that for 30 days. He cheated on me repeated for 14 of the 17 yrs we were together and I just kept forgiving him. We were still communicating by text for the past year till his girlfriend sent me a text 2 weeks ago on his phone and told me to leave him alone and that he is still a drunk and she is trying to get him help so he will stop drinking and change for her....All I can say to her is good luck cause he has been a drunk for almost 50 yrs and neither me or his 1st wife could change him. My issue is I think about him alot and I don't know how to let him go and move on. I have not dated in the 3 years we have been separated and I feel like I will compare other guys to him (when he was sober). How do you let go of such a toxic person?
This has been such a hard concept for me while navigating my husbands addiction and recovery. Sooo much pain. This man was once my best friend and we told each other everything (except about his hidden alcohol addiction). Now after 5 years of addiction into recovery I feel like we barely know each other. We're friends again, but that's it. All the passion is gone and we both have a lot of resentments we are working through... I feel utterly heartbroken. But one of the gifts of my own recovery this far has been realizing I'm allowed to carry my joy alongside my grief. There are good weeks for me as I become my own again and bad ones, and both are acceptable. My sponsor says we're like onions, constantly peeling back our layers to find deeper healing
I'm trying to make myself #1. I have health issues I need to take care of now not when I have a free moment if I were just concerned about the addicted one.
Not being resentful has got to be the hardest part for me. I guess it's because he's told me so any times I'm the reason for his drinking. He also doesn't get completely trashed until after dinner meaning it's a choice he makes.
I left my alcoholic partner of 30 years 6 months ago with my Son (my daughter is at uni) and have just signed another 6 months rental agreement, my stomach didn’t even churn this time as I knew I was doing the right thing. I’ve not seen him since January however I’m finding it difficult to detach as he keeps sending me conflicting messages, he only ever sees me as black or white, he hates me one minute then in the next breath he says he’s changed and pleading for me to go back. I’ve been told by my own kids to block him but the fact is I still care about him but know I could never go back to that life. I’ve always been told I’m a forgiving person. Hopefully in time something will click into place and I will start thinking about self love. After years of doing everything for him I can’t help feel guilty that he is lonely, despite how vile he has been to me over the years.
I have been listening to your podcast on and off since 2022. I have finally made it here. For today-- I would like to tell you thank you. Even a short 6 minute message helps me still try to process what has happened with my man I love who lives with this horrible disease.
Detachment is pretty much my default these days, but then it's "you're so cold to me, I deserve to be loved, and I'm only doing this to feel happy because you don't love me". If I tell him he did something that hurt me, then I'm degrading him and he deserves respect. If I question anything then I don't trust him enough and am just throwing the past in his face - nevermind the fact that he is caught in lies all the time and I have zero reason to trust him. I ask him to please stop running up credit card debt and he's a "prisoner in my own home." Idk how to fix my own toxic behaviors without buying into his blame game. The gaslighting is exhausting. Twenty years in and I barely recognize myself. I have nothing left.
For me, detachment means not saying anything when he opens a bottle of wine. It means not fixing things that happen while he is inebriated. It means not making his choice for him if he is passed out asleep (Most nights, he fills water glasses and the humidifier in the bedroom, while I make him a double shot latte!). This week I will see my therapist. I started with a new person who is VERY practical and has experience with Addiction. Detachment also means not having to ask "permission" to go out with friends, etc. It means telling / confirming schedules as part of the family. Also, I am learning it is not my fault of he is having a bad day, feels frustrated about something, etc. I have some areas I am still growing, but overall, I am doing much better!
Detaching gets easier and easier the more years you spend loving the addicted person. For me, I spent the greater part of the last 7 years of our marriage trying to get him help with his addiction (pot), including contacting rehab facilities to see if he would qualify. I tried repeatedly to talk him into in-patient detox...I knew that was the only way for him. He tried maybe 2x in our marriage to quit (cold turkey) and he became violently ill. Suffice to say, after the last failure of quitting, I stopped begging him to get help. I removed my emotions from the situation and started to think about my son's life without a drug addict dad in it regularly. Seeing that his life would be better and healthier without having an addict dad helped me detach. It has been 4 months since we divorced and 2 months since he moved out. The last 2 months gave been the best 2 months I have had as a mom. Loving someone who cared more about their addiction than their own child brought me great sadness and shame, but letting go of that person and knowing that I am not to blame for their addiction and behavior has been so liberating. I still struggle from time to time (we were together 17 years), but my head is cleared of the "abuse fog/loop" I was in and I can quickly snap back now. ❤️
I love this it’s so timely for me. Made it through another horrendous long wknd! He is a bringer. So now for the next couple weeks we go through the mood cycles aaaagh I’m really sick of it. When he has been sober for a few weeks he is the best guy. I am getting better at detaching from his problems and focusing on myself but I feel very lonely doing it because as the article says people don’t understand why we are doing what we are doing. My home used to be a place that everyone just dropped in and felt so welcome. Now it’s so different and sometimes I feel so lonely and resentful. I’ll have been married to him for 25 years this summer !!!! Since the pandemic I have been doing so much self care to remember who I am and it’s been good. But it’s exhausting.
Since 9/2023 I have stopped doing it all. I worked for him part-time and full-time since 2016. I have never been paid, although he paid his sons, his ex-wife when they were married, his daughter, his nephew, his great nephew, but never me and I did everything from getting his beer to cleaning toilets, to Quickbooks, taxes, reports to the government, you name it I did it. Now I am done doing everything and I have realized I am married to a 15 year old in a 58 year old body. He is penniless, he can't get the taxes done, he can't pay his bills, he can't do anything and I won't help him. I have two master's degress and I am trying to find a job in this Podunk town we live in. I still take care of the dogs because it is not their fault, I have had people tell me just leave, leave the dogs and take care of yourself. Okay, I live with a selfish, uncaring person, these dogs did not ask to live here I brought them here, so I am not leaving without them. I have three autoimmune disorders and I have to rely on God or I will literally just sit here and give up. I have detached so much, that I don't know if he will wind up in prison for tax evasion, or if I will. I have no friends, no family to really reach out to, and if I don't rely on God I will not make it. The detaching is hard when you are by yourself, but it is necessary. It is vital to make sure you are not turning yourself into the next "crazy" lady walking the streets talking to herself. I don't know how I am going to get out of this but I know God has a plan and all I can do is trust him. I have no idea where to go from here except a job, then to find a place for me and 6 dogs and start over at age 58. I guesss if Moses can move 2 million people at age 80, and Sarah can have a baby at 99, then I am a child compared to them and God I know still has a plan. The only part I hate about myself if this is my fourth marriage because I was so trying to be the "good christian wife" that I was expected to be, until I learned that most people don't even understand what that means and churches that kept telling me to hang in there, well thanks for nothing. I won't give up on God, but I can't go back to church they have no clue about mental health and addiction, I pray all the time, I give everything to God, but church is just not for me right now. The detaching is getting easier, the living a life with no money is where it gets hard.
Detaching, like all things, has consequences. It’s quite amazing how our psychology works. I got somewhat good at detaching but recently I noticed that I’ve started to detach from important things. I’ve been doing this for so long sometimes I feel lost. I go through cycles of strength and resilience and then sadness and loneliness. I am still with my partner. He is better than he used to be (because I don’t enable him) but now I worry about some mental health signs that could be due to his long term cocaine abuse. This morning I woke up and resolved to do some things differently, again. I’ll find my bearings and keep going. Remembering how incredibly blessed I am and how naturally happy I am helps. In the end, I have no regrets.
We were separated for 4 years and have been divorced almost a year and he has been living with another woman for 3 years. We were together 17 years and most of the time I spent in hell covering up for him and fixing everything he destroyed but, he is the love of my life and I do deserve better than the way he treated me. I should hate him but, I keep forgiving him and thinking about him and I don't want to. He went to prison for 15 mths with a DWI and was in rehab after that for 30 days. He cheated on me repeated for 14 of the 17 yrs we were together and I just kept forgiving him. We were still communicating by text for the past year till his girlfriend sent me a text 2 weeks ago on his phone and told me to leave him alone and that he is still a drunk and she is trying to get him help so he will stop drinking and change for her....All I can say to her is good luck cause he has been a drunk for almost 50 yrs and neither me or his 1st wife could change him. My issue is I think about him alot and I don't know how to let him go and move on. I have not dated in the 3 years we have been separated and I feel like I will compare other guys to him (when he was sober). How do you let go of such a toxic person?
This has been such a hard concept for me while navigating my husbands addiction and recovery. Sooo much pain. This man was once my best friend and we told each other everything (except about his hidden alcohol addiction). Now after 5 years of addiction into recovery I feel like we barely know each other. We're friends again, but that's it. All the passion is gone and we both have a lot of resentments we are working through... I feel utterly heartbroken. But one of the gifts of my own recovery this far has been realizing I'm allowed to carry my joy alongside my grief. There are good weeks for me as I become my own again and bad ones, and both are acceptable. My sponsor says we're like onions, constantly peeling back our layers to find deeper healing
I'm trying to make myself #1. I have health issues I need to take care of now not when I have a free moment if I were just concerned about the addicted one.
How do you determine what an unnecessary responsibility is?
Not being resentful has got to be the hardest part for me. I guess it's because he's told me so any times I'm the reason for his drinking. He also doesn't get completely trashed until after dinner meaning it's a choice he makes.
I left my alcoholic partner of 30 years 6 months ago with my Son (my daughter is at uni) and have just signed another 6 months rental agreement, my stomach didn’t even churn this time as I knew I was doing the right thing. I’ve not seen him since January however I’m finding it difficult to detach as he keeps sending me conflicting messages, he only ever sees me as black or white, he hates me one minute then in the next breath he says he’s changed and pleading for me to go back. I’ve been told by my own kids to block him but the fact is I still care about him but know I could never go back to that life. I’ve always been told I’m a forgiving person. Hopefully in time something will click into place and I will start thinking about self love. After years of doing everything for him I can’t help feel guilty that he is lonely, despite how vile he has been to me over the years.
I have been listening to your podcast on and off since 2022. I have finally made it here. For today-- I would like to tell you thank you. Even a short 6 minute message helps me still try to process what has happened with my man I love who lives with this horrible disease.
Detachment is pretty much my default these days, but then it's "you're so cold to me, I deserve to be loved, and I'm only doing this to feel happy because you don't love me". If I tell him he did something that hurt me, then I'm degrading him and he deserves respect. If I question anything then I don't trust him enough and am just throwing the past in his face - nevermind the fact that he is caught in lies all the time and I have zero reason to trust him. I ask him to please stop running up credit card debt and he's a "prisoner in my own home." Idk how to fix my own toxic behaviors without buying into his blame game. The gaslighting is exhausting. Twenty years in and I barely recognize myself. I have nothing left.
For me, detachment means not saying anything when he opens a bottle of wine. It means not fixing things that happen while he is inebriated. It means not making his choice for him if he is passed out asleep (Most nights, he fills water glasses and the humidifier in the bedroom, while I make him a double shot latte!). This week I will see my therapist. I started with a new person who is VERY practical and has experience with Addiction. Detachment also means not having to ask "permission" to go out with friends, etc. It means telling / confirming schedules as part of the family. Also, I am learning it is not my fault of he is having a bad day, feels frustrated about something, etc. I have some areas I am still growing, but overall, I am doing much better!
any suggestions