Sometimes, addiction can make our environment feel incredibly unsafe. Here's a helpful tool to create some healthy distance when things get to be "too much."
I'm struggling I just don't think I can do this anymore. His drinking has made me so unhappy and I just don't seem to care about how I look, don't care if house is messy. I no longer work in my flower beds. We don't really go anywhere because he's always a drunk fool. He is spending money like it's nothing. He does home repairs well he says he's working but I never see any money and he's drunk when he gets home so is he really working ? I know if I left him I would hurt him and that's why I can't seem to walk away. And the safe room is a good idea but he would leave me alone he would be knocking on door if not knocking down door. Thanks for letting me vent
Sheri: Someone said to me (maybe Michelle??), "So you think he is incapable of living without you, that he doesn't have any power over his own choices and behaviors?" Well, no, he does have free will. I am not very far along in my own "recovery," but some of the things other women have shared help me reframe the problem. Maybe this could help you.??
I hope for your strength in this nightmare of a decision.
This helped me so much because since cutting off communication with my soon to be ex HFAH, I have felt out of sorts getting used to this new normal. What is normal? Anyway, this gives me something to look forward to for myself! I will start working on this after my vacation next week. In the meantime, the beach is calling my name!! What a year!! So ready to get through a bankruptcy and divorce and find my serenity again. God bless you Michelle and everyone in this group.
I’m struggling too. My husband has about a week and a half left on his rehab stay (the fourth in three years, second stay in three months), and I’m dealing with intense distrust and anger inside me. I actually have the divorce paperwork filled out and ready to be filed, but I’m wondering if I should give him one last chance with strict boundaries in place.
You'll know what's best for you and your family when the time comes. When I FINALLY chose to get my own apt, I knew I had no choice; his addiction was killing me, slowly. I can't say I never second guess myself--of course I do. But many of the coping tools I have learned and implemented have allowed me to--sometimes--separate my emotions from his experience. Not my fault, not my responsibility. I'm still here for him, should he need support in turning his life around. I'll just do it from a few miles away. I'm never living like that again.
I just said these exact words to my husband. I moved out a month ago and the first weeks I believe he thought his life was better and this weekend I got the text telling me he misses me and that he is now going to his IOP program 3 days a week (he got a DUI on 5/15 so this is required by the court). He has never admitted he is an alcoholic and he has yet to acknowledge the hell he put me through for years. I am under contract to buy my own house and feel happier than I have in years. I hope he can get and stay sober but it’s not likely. I told him I will never put myself in the position I was in for years. His drinking made me depressed, anxious and so hopeless. I don’t think he has any concept of what it did to me.
Katie, you're closer than I'll ever be. Yours has been trying. I have talked about going to AA meetings w/ my now ex, still housemate before, couples' counseling, too. He won't even try
I have been retreating to my safe space for a few years. Then, a few weeks ago, I was told "We aren't a couple anymore". That sent me off the deep end. I checked myself into a psychiatric unit only to confirm my suspicions that I have BPD. Dr's want me to get out more. There is only one other place in my 'hood to go...the bar the ex frequents.
BTW- We both own the home, pay into the mortgage & live there. Neither can buy the other out
I absolutely love this. This is literally part of the routine I did to take back my life. Our house is only 600 Sq. Feet and I was lucky because my mom lived across the street and took me in when she found out how bad things had become. She gave me her art room and I remember buying art and blankets and candles for it... I felt so guilty for leaving my husband but so grateful for the space my mother made. It's been such a rough few years. Even with a husband in recovery I have to keep a strong self care routine and go to my weekly al anon meetings. This is brutal stuff ladies!! Self care is a requirement ❤️❤️❤️
Michelle, thank you. You always know exactly what women married to addicts need to talk about, work through. LoA has helped me more than AlAnon, therapy, other groups... You have a gift. Thank you for sharing with us.
I’m really struggling this week. My husband had recently relapsed and clearly struggling to get back to sobriety and extremely depressed as his business is failing. I feel like I’m being pulled back into the darkness when I come home from work. My children go to boarding school and I miss them immensely. I’m trying really hard to live in the moment and not think too far ahead but it’s very hard. Thank you Michelle for all your wisdom, it helps me to feel less alone xx
I can empathize, even though my situation is different. Money always seems to creep its way into this kind of struggle, doesn't it? How much are they spending on their habit? Is their job at risk? Will they get another job if they lose this one? How much of our savings have been depleted? How will I provide for my kids' needs, whether here or in a new-to-me home? (Around here, DH used to play the you-owe-me-money card, even though we made choices (and contributions) together in a way we agreed represented our priorities.) I am so sorry you are going through this.
Living in the moment is great--but not at the expense of preparedness. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right!
Ugh, my heart breaks for you reading this. I was in the same situation this exact time last year -- my husband had relapsed after many months of sobriety. He was dealing with a recent family death and a loss of a job (not related to drinking/alcoholism). But I was almost expecting a relapse as it was A LOT of emotions to deal with. I know the gut-wrenching feeling of job problems coupled with the risk/onset of a relapse. During that time, I increased my own visits to my therapist and we made it through. Take care of yourself and thinking of you.
I'm struggling I just don't think I can do this anymore. His drinking has made me so unhappy and I just don't seem to care about how I look, don't care if house is messy. I no longer work in my flower beds. We don't really go anywhere because he's always a drunk fool. He is spending money like it's nothing. He does home repairs well he says he's working but I never see any money and he's drunk when he gets home so is he really working ? I know if I left him I would hurt him and that's why I can't seem to walk away. And the safe room is a good idea but he would leave me alone he would be knocking on door if not knocking down door. Thanks for letting me vent
Sheri: Someone said to me (maybe Michelle??), "So you think he is incapable of living without you, that he doesn't have any power over his own choices and behaviors?" Well, no, he does have free will. I am not very far along in my own "recovery," but some of the things other women have shared help me reframe the problem. Maybe this could help you.??
I hope for your strength in this nightmare of a decision.
Sheri, Maybe you need to see a psych Dr to help you determine your next steps. I tortured myself staying in my safe place, never coming out
This helped me so much because since cutting off communication with my soon to be ex HFAH, I have felt out of sorts getting used to this new normal. What is normal? Anyway, this gives me something to look forward to for myself! I will start working on this after my vacation next week. In the meantime, the beach is calling my name!! What a year!! So ready to get through a bankruptcy and divorce and find my serenity again. God bless you Michelle and everyone in this group.
In my safe space, I make sure to keep a gratitude journal to help me focus on the “good” 💛
I’m struggling too. My husband has about a week and a half left on his rehab stay (the fourth in three years, second stay in three months), and I’m dealing with intense distrust and anger inside me. I actually have the divorce paperwork filled out and ready to be filed, but I’m wondering if I should give him one last chance with strict boundaries in place.
You'll know what's best for you and your family when the time comes. When I FINALLY chose to get my own apt, I knew I had no choice; his addiction was killing me, slowly. I can't say I never second guess myself--of course I do. But many of the coping tools I have learned and implemented have allowed me to--sometimes--separate my emotions from his experience. Not my fault, not my responsibility. I'm still here for him, should he need support in turning his life around. I'll just do it from a few miles away. I'm never living like that again.
Prayers...
I just said these exact words to my husband. I moved out a month ago and the first weeks I believe he thought his life was better and this weekend I got the text telling me he misses me and that he is now going to his IOP program 3 days a week (he got a DUI on 5/15 so this is required by the court). He has never admitted he is an alcoholic and he has yet to acknowledge the hell he put me through for years. I am under contract to buy my own house and feel happier than I have in years. I hope he can get and stay sober but it’s not likely. I told him I will never put myself in the position I was in for years. His drinking made me depressed, anxious and so hopeless. I don’t think he has any concept of what it did to me.
Once again, same story as mine. It's like they clone addicts, and all of them act EXACTLY the same way, down to the word.
Katie, you're closer than I'll ever be. Yours has been trying. I have talked about going to AA meetings w/ my now ex, still housemate before, couples' counseling, too. He won't even try
I have been retreating to my safe space for a few years. Then, a few weeks ago, I was told "We aren't a couple anymore". That sent me off the deep end. I checked myself into a psychiatric unit only to confirm my suspicions that I have BPD. Dr's want me to get out more. There is only one other place in my 'hood to go...the bar the ex frequents.
BTW- We both own the home, pay into the mortgage & live there. Neither can buy the other out
I absolutely love this. This is literally part of the routine I did to take back my life. Our house is only 600 Sq. Feet and I was lucky because my mom lived across the street and took me in when she found out how bad things had become. She gave me her art room and I remember buying art and blankets and candles for it... I felt so guilty for leaving my husband but so grateful for the space my mother made. It's been such a rough few years. Even with a husband in recovery I have to keep a strong self care routine and go to my weekly al anon meetings. This is brutal stuff ladies!! Self care is a requirement ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for all the suggestions and the reminders to keep the space mine
Michelle, thank you. You always know exactly what women married to addicts need to talk about, work through. LoA has helped me more than AlAnon, therapy, other groups... You have a gift. Thank you for sharing with us.
I’m really struggling this week. My husband had recently relapsed and clearly struggling to get back to sobriety and extremely depressed as his business is failing. I feel like I’m being pulled back into the darkness when I come home from work. My children go to boarding school and I miss them immensely. I’m trying really hard to live in the moment and not think too far ahead but it’s very hard. Thank you Michelle for all your wisdom, it helps me to feel less alone xx
I can empathize, even though my situation is different. Money always seems to creep its way into this kind of struggle, doesn't it? How much are they spending on their habit? Is their job at risk? Will they get another job if they lose this one? How much of our savings have been depleted? How will I provide for my kids' needs, whether here or in a new-to-me home? (Around here, DH used to play the you-owe-me-money card, even though we made choices (and contributions) together in a way we agreed represented our priorities.) I am so sorry you are going through this.
Living in the moment is great--but not at the expense of preparedness. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst, right!
It's so hard.
Ugh, my heart breaks for you reading this. I was in the same situation this exact time last year -- my husband had relapsed after many months of sobriety. He was dealing with a recent family death and a loss of a job (not related to drinking/alcoholism). But I was almost expecting a relapse as it was A LOT of emotions to deal with. I know the gut-wrenching feeling of job problems coupled with the risk/onset of a relapse. During that time, I increased my own visits to my therapist and we made it through. Take care of yourself and thinking of you.