I never felt lonelier or more of a mess than at holidays while loving someone suffering from addiction. I have kept it super simple today with one helpful trick to try.
I want to thank you for the "bubble". 20 + years of dodging the bubble was enough for me and that bubble needed to leave. Your program and words helped me realize I was in a losing battle and my life was just, almost completely gone from any resemblance of who I was before. I removed the bubble and my life is coming back. Each person dealing with a bubble has their own choices to make and life to lead and I truly pray for all who deal with a bubble.
Congratulations Kara. When I left my bubble and took the kids one of the most loving acts my parents did was send me a congratulations card. Sounds weird to most but meant the world to me. Sending you a virtual congrats cards 💕
I bought my dog & I a splash pad to get out of the bubble. Being outdoors is a relief for me. Now only if the weather here would cooperate! I cannot tell you what a safe haven this is for me! So happy to be here with all of you sisters. 🩷
This is great advice. The only problem is a lot of times when I stay out of his bubble, he gets upset with me because I am distant or “getting things done” instead of paying attention to him and I’m sure he knows by now why I don’t want to be around him when he’s had too much to drink. He makes me out to be such a bad person and all I’m doing is protecting myself so I can have some peace.
They will never see what’s actually wrong from our perspective. We’ve had several family gatherings lately and because I won’t say anything in front of our family, he goes overboard with the drinking. We got a pool in the backyard for the grandkids and he brings his beer in with him!
I just recently let him come home, because he said that he was doing better and he seemed better but he’s not fully recovered. Obviously, he’s comfortable again and drinking again and just hiding it more when he goes to the bar. Any advice at all would be appreciated on what to do from here because I feel like I’m just stuck in this now until the end whatever that may be. If it wasn’t for these supportive groups and God, and my very loving, patient (although sometimes judgmental) family I couldn’t make it through some days.
You asked what to do from here. If you mean what to do from here to get him to see how his drinking is bad and hurting you and the family, my answer is there’s nothing more you can do. If you mean what to do from here for you, then that’s a whole different story. There’s so many options available to we who are searching for and open to change. We can change things because we want to change things. They just want to figure out ways that they can keep drinking and not have to change anything.
When I grew myself and got myself to the healthy place that I no longer had to have him in my life in order to be happy, I found my power: my power over my own life. I love him but I don’t have to be his wife any longer. That old attached desperation is gone.
From Getting Them Sober, Vol.4: “When you spend time trying to convince them of the truth, they know that you feel vulnerable. When you do not spend time trying to convince them of the truth, but just go on about your business knowing the truth **and acting upon it,*** they know that you know the truth, and THEY LOSE THEIR POWER OVER YOU.”
I always felt I was the only person who dreaded holidays (actually any social functions). I have lost track at the number of times I was humiliated by being with the drunkest person (my AH) at social gatherings. Thank you for your podcast and newsletters. I have learned so much from this in a short period of time.
I have our family and son-in-law’ family together for Christmas for 4 days. Problem is my daughter drinking excessively and spoiling the gatherings. She will have her young daughter with her too and they will share a room. Do I serve alcohol for Christmas dinner? (She go out and buy it anyway if I don’t) Where will I put my granddaughter if her mother is very drunk (likely)? So many difficulties managing this gathering. Any suggestions gratefully received. Thank you
My parents are celebrating their 70th birthdays and we are travelling interstate for 5 days with my sisters family. Husband is in a downward spiral and I am dreading the chance of him drinking when we are away. It will destroy me if his ‘secret’ drinking ruins this special time. Finding it super hard to stay in my lane and not massively dread what should be a joyous occasion. Advice on how to handle it? Feeling myself starting to unravel.
When we live our lives fixated on them and their problems, we lose. Alcoholism wins and in fact, flourishes. Your parents’ celebration is a joyous occasion whether he drinks or not. Cut him loose and enjoy your experience. Let him suffer any consequences and embarrassment that may befall him. Don’t cover for him or explain his behavior to others, for in doing those things we absorb into ourselves the pain that should rightfully be theirs. No, his pain should be his. When we are no longer carrying the heavy burden of their alcoholism around for them, we win, and alcoholism loses.
Thanks Wendy - great advice. I must keep reminding myself of all this. I suppose I have cut him loose as he isn’t coming. I need a break and he is no longer invited. My decision, my choice. One of which my family is fully aware of and support (they know exactly where things are at). I can focus on the joyous occasion with my family and start healing .. focusing forward. Appreciate this supportive group.
I want to thank you for the "bubble". 20 + years of dodging the bubble was enough for me and that bubble needed to leave. Your program and words helped me realize I was in a losing battle and my life was just, almost completely gone from any resemblance of who I was before. I removed the bubble and my life is coming back. Each person dealing with a bubble has their own choices to make and life to lead and I truly pray for all who deal with a bubble.
Congratulations Kara. When I left my bubble and took the kids one of the most loving acts my parents did was send me a congratulations card. Sounds weird to most but meant the world to me. Sending you a virtual congrats cards 💕
I bought my dog & I a splash pad to get out of the bubble. Being outdoors is a relief for me. Now only if the weather here would cooperate! I cannot tell you what a safe haven this is for me! So happy to be here with all of you sisters. 🩷
This is great advice. The only problem is a lot of times when I stay out of his bubble, he gets upset with me because I am distant or “getting things done” instead of paying attention to him and I’m sure he knows by now why I don’t want to be around him when he’s had too much to drink. He makes me out to be such a bad person and all I’m doing is protecting myself so I can have some peace.
They will never see what’s actually wrong from our perspective. We’ve had several family gatherings lately and because I won’t say anything in front of our family, he goes overboard with the drinking. We got a pool in the backyard for the grandkids and he brings his beer in with him!
I just recently let him come home, because he said that he was doing better and he seemed better but he’s not fully recovered. Obviously, he’s comfortable again and drinking again and just hiding it more when he goes to the bar. Any advice at all would be appreciated on what to do from here because I feel like I’m just stuck in this now until the end whatever that may be. If it wasn’t for these supportive groups and God, and my very loving, patient (although sometimes judgmental) family I couldn’t make it through some days.
You asked what to do from here. If you mean what to do from here to get him to see how his drinking is bad and hurting you and the family, my answer is there’s nothing more you can do. If you mean what to do from here for you, then that’s a whole different story. There’s so many options available to we who are searching for and open to change. We can change things because we want to change things. They just want to figure out ways that they can keep drinking and not have to change anything.
When I grew myself and got myself to the healthy place that I no longer had to have him in my life in order to be happy, I found my power: my power over my own life. I love him but I don’t have to be his wife any longer. That old attached desperation is gone.
From Getting Them Sober, Vol.4: “When you spend time trying to convince them of the truth, they know that you feel vulnerable. When you do not spend time trying to convince them of the truth, but just go on about your business knowing the truth **and acting upon it,*** they know that you know the truth, and THEY LOSE THEIR POWER OVER YOU.”
Wow, that’s powerful!
I always felt I was the only person who dreaded holidays (actually any social functions). I have lost track at the number of times I was humiliated by being with the drunkest person (my AH) at social gatherings. Thank you for your podcast and newsletters. I have learned so much from this in a short period of time.
So welcome Kelly 💕 definitely not the only one 🙋🏼♀️
I have our family and son-in-law’ family together for Christmas for 4 days. Problem is my daughter drinking excessively and spoiling the gatherings. She will have her young daughter with her too and they will share a room. Do I serve alcohol for Christmas dinner? (She go out and buy it anyway if I don’t) Where will I put my granddaughter if her mother is very drunk (likely)? So many difficulties managing this gathering. Any suggestions gratefully received. Thank you
My parents are celebrating their 70th birthdays and we are travelling interstate for 5 days with my sisters family. Husband is in a downward spiral and I am dreading the chance of him drinking when we are away. It will destroy me if his ‘secret’ drinking ruins this special time. Finding it super hard to stay in my lane and not massively dread what should be a joyous occasion. Advice on how to handle it? Feeling myself starting to unravel.
When we live our lives fixated on them and their problems, we lose. Alcoholism wins and in fact, flourishes. Your parents’ celebration is a joyous occasion whether he drinks or not. Cut him loose and enjoy your experience. Let him suffer any consequences and embarrassment that may befall him. Don’t cover for him or explain his behavior to others, for in doing those things we absorb into ourselves the pain that should rightfully be theirs. No, his pain should be his. When we are no longer carrying the heavy burden of their alcoholism around for them, we win, and alcoholism loses.
Thanks Wendy - great advice. I must keep reminding myself of all this. I suppose I have cut him loose as he isn’t coming. I need a break and he is no longer invited. My decision, my choice. One of which my family is fully aware of and support (they know exactly where things are at). I can focus on the joyous occasion with my family and start healing .. focusing forward. Appreciate this supportive group.