How Do We Stop Absorbing Other People's Feelings?
3 things that have worked for me (most of the time:)).
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This last holiday season, I was talking to a family member on speakerphone (while folding laundry with my daughter because …. multitasking). We were calling to wish this person a happy holiday.
But the person on the other line was in a terrible mood and taking out their anger on me and my daughter.
Not necessarily abusive language but an abusive tone of voice.
Are you familiar with that tone? The words are fine-ish, but the manner is sharp and volatile.
I immediately remembered how I handled these non-confrontation-confrontations with my first husband (who struggled with addiction) and ... disengaged.
I said, "You know what - you seem like you're in a really bad space. How about you call me back when you're ready to be calm and kind?"
They were shocked and, after a long pause, said a very bitter, "Fine. Yep."
"Take care," I said, and then I hung up.
It was a learning moment for my daughter. She watched another woman exercise her power by following personal boundaries. I wanted to teach her - she never needs to voluntarily stay in the presence of self-destructive people who are acting unkind.
My heart was racing when I said it - to be honest, I shocked myself - I've always been super intimidated by this certain someone. But darn it! This person has a history of angry outbursts toward me. Just because I love them and they are family - doesn't mean I’m always the subservient doormat. I can politely and with dignity extricate myself - and my child.
If we love someone suffering from addiction, when they start to drink, get high, or do their addictive "thing," - our mood can take a turn for the worse – really quickly. Suppose we're around a co-worker, family, or friend who is hurtful or harmful. How do we rescue ourselves from the situation and stop absorbing their feelings?
Here’s some suggestions that work for me (most of the time:)):
Create some distance. Take some space and get out of theirs. Leave them alone and get busy. It only makes me feel angry and hurt to stick around. I might feel a gravitational pull to stay in their presence, but I try to ignore it. And do the opposite. Distance. The only chance to maintain a healthy (good, happy, neutral, independent, etc.) emotional state.
Refrain from engaging in conversation. Talking, guilt-tripping, or yelling during the "episode" will not make any short-term or long-term changes, so let's not waste our breath (if they're high or drunk, they might not even remember the conversation). It might make us feel good to “hash it out”, but we'll probably regret it.
Do something that makes us feel good. We can read a book, take a bath, go for a run/walk, go to the movies, take a drive - park in a safe place, and look at old happy photos on our phones (that don't include them), or reach out to a friend. Let's do something that elevates our mood. Make ourselves important.
Separating from abuse or unhealthy people can be difficult if we struggle with codependency or consider ourselves an empath (my hand is raised). But we can practice, and with time it should get easier.
I would love to hear from you.
Do you have anyone in your life that you need to distance yourself from (friend, family, partner)?
Have you been able to separate yourself in the past?
Do you have any other tips that might help our little group?
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P.S. If you know anyone who could use some encouragement or a safe place to share and receive support - please feel free to forward this.
"I wanted to teach her - she never needs to voluntarily stay in the presence of self-destructive people who are acting unkind."
^^ This hit me hard. It basically sums up the last year or so of my marriage (to someone struggling with alcohol dependency). I do not miss that feeling. No one deserves to be treated that way.
My boyfriend is a drug addict. He will use for a week/week and a half straight, and then be sober for 2 weeks, and back to using and back to being sober. Some days are harder than others. When he is using, he is usually agitated and becomes more defensive. There are some days I match his energy and he wonders why I act that way and doesn’t realize I’m putting out what he does. But other days I know two wrongs don’t make a right and just keep my distance. As I have learned, having any conversations during those times, there’s a good chance he won’t remember or the conversation goes no where. When he is sober, we are GREAT together. My anger won’t help the situation and I’ve learned that sometimes he just needs me to be there for him. Some days I can do that to a certain extent so I can keep myself mentally in a good space.