Cookies in the Freezer: Little Joys for Big Holidays

A little encouragement from me to you:)

How are you?

I want to say thank you—sincerely and deeply. In my last post, I wrote that I wanted to come back to LOA, but I wasn’t sure how or what it should look like because I really want to be helpful to you. I’ve received hundreds of emails with loving suggestions and encouragement, and I’m so grateful you took the time to write. I’m responding to each one personally because I recognize you're busy, and I appreciate the time you gave me.

Over the last two and a half years, I’ve gone through an evolution, and I’m excited to share that with you. Once I figure out what the new LOA will look like, I’ll make sure to share, but I think 2025 is going to be a great year for both of us, and I promise to get back to making sure you feel seen, heard, and valued. Because your pain is important and it deserves attention.

Now, let’s talk about the holidays. They’re upon us—three big ones back to back. Depending on what you celebrate, we have Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or Hanukkah, followed by New Year’s. The holidays can be really tough for those of us who love someone struggling with addiction. There was a time when my life was falling apart because of my ex-husband’s addiction. It was embarrassing and humiliating, and it made me feel like I wasn’t loved or valued, and neither were the kids. I’d wonder, “Is it ever going to get better? Will I ever feel safe and happy in my own home during the holidays?”

If you're feeling anxious or alone, please know that we get it. There are hundreds of thousands of women around the world who understand what you’re going through. We might not always talk about it openly, but we’re here, and we’re with you.

There are moments and seasons in your future where you will feel good again. I’m not a fortune teller, and I can’t predict the future, but I can tell you that as you get stronger and clearer about what you want and need, you’ll start to feel empowered. When you prioritize your own feelings, desires, and dreams—without them being tied to your loved one’s sobriety—that’s when things will begin to change. When you are in a relationship with someone struggling with addiction, you feel out of control, like your present and future are constantly shifting. But that feeling exists because we often give our power away to those we love who are struggling.

I’ve been there. My feelings used to depend entirely on whether my husband was sober or not. And even when he was sober, that didn’t always make things easier—sometimes, a dry drunk or someone struggling to cope with their sober emotions could be just as difficult to be around.

But there’s power in reclaiming your independence and in taking charge of your own feelings, not by controlling them but by aligning your actions with your own empowerment.

When I loved someone with addiction, I had to ask myself, “What can I do in this moment to release him from the responsibility of making me feel good?” Reclaiming my independence was so important to my healing. I had to stop waiting. Waiting for him to admit he had a problem. Waiting for the problem to be bad enough to get help. Waiting for the “help” to start helping him choose sobriety. Waiting for the set of chaotic circumstances to get through. Waiting to be loved. Waiting to feel worthy of his attention. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

One night I was waiting for him to come home from work. I had cooked one of his favorite meals— beef stew — and he wasn’t responding to my texts. My instinct was to track him down, to keep calling and texting. But after an hour, I stopped myself. I realized that I didn’t need to wait for him to come home or pick up the phone. I put my phone down, and I decided that we were going to have dinner without him. That moment of independence was powerful.

It wasn’t easy, and it didn’t feel amazing, but I made an independent choice. Instead of waiting and letting my whole mood depend on his actions, I took control of the moment. I was no longer going to let addiction dictate my happiness.

This holiday season, I want you to think about taking small steps toward independence. If you're going to a party or event, bring a separate set of keys or download an Uber app. Have an exit strategy in case things get uncomfortable. If boundaries are being crossed or if someone is drinking too much, you’ll have a way out, and that’s empowering.

Another step is giving yourself permission to leave the room. If you’re overwhelmed or uncomfortable, walk away—go for a walk or take a moment to breathe. Don’t feel like you have to stay in a situation that’s hurting you.

Lastly, find moments of joy for yourself. Whether it’s watching a favorite movie, enjoying a secret stash of cookies, or doing something that brings you peace, take those small moments. They might not solve everything, but they’ll help you get through.

I love food, and cookies, in particular, always bring me so much joy. So, I made a secret stash of cookies before the holidays, just for me. I hid them in the back of the freezer, disguised in a box that was once full of healthy pancakes (in total honesty, I threw away the healthy pancakes) so no one would touch them. When the holidays felt overwhelming, I would sneak away to the garage, open the freezer, and have some cookies in the dark - the only light coming from the open freezer door. It was my moment of joy, a small act of self-care in the middle of the chaos.

Maybe for you, it’s a cup of tea, or taking a walk, or watching a movie that makes you laugh. Whatever it is, find those small moments of joy that help you survive.You are an incredibly important, loving, and strong woman, and you have the ability to be independent, no matter the circumstances. The best part is that your happiness, peace, and future don’t rely on your loved one’s sobriety. You can find peace, joy, and empowerment whether or not they get sober.

So, this holiday season, try to focus on yourself, even just a little bit. Practice those small moments of independence. You’ve got this. I’m cheering you on.

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This transcription is from the podcast Love Over Addiction. If you'd like to hear more examples and personal stories, please listen to the full episode by subscribing in your podcast app (Apple, Spotify, etc.)

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Do you know someone who is feeling alone this holiday season? Does she need some encouragement and community? Please pass this along - we would love to welcome her.

I looooove hearing from you. What do you have planned for this holiday season? And what are you thinking of doing that can make you feel empowered?