This one stings. But it’s so good. I keep breaking promises in the form of moving the goal posts for when enough is enough and I can divorce without guilt.
I’m perpetually rationalizing away his mistakes and saying when it gets one step worse is when I’ll go.
I just found this website and podcast and I am in the exact same boat. I am so terrified of the guilt and blindsiding him that I haven’t kicked him out yet. I keep waiting for the next big bad thing to happen “and that will be when I kick him out”
I don’t want to end it and feel bad about it 😞. I wish he would just leave me so I didn’t have to make the decision.
I do the same thing and have for years. Everyone sharing here has made me realize we are not alone in this struggle and it seems very rare that the one with addiction actually makes the choice best for us and our families. Than you for sharing 🙏.
Michelle, you have changed my life for the better. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I started listening to your podcast when COVID started. You are the first person in my life who really understood what I was going through. You opened my eyes to so much, and provide such honest perspective. I'm still figuring my situation out (my husband is addicted to pot and alcohol), and I really just wanted to say thank you so much for creating this community. I feel less alone.
Thank you. My husband on paper but we have not live together since 2019 when he came out of his 17th stint in rehab and that time had been in for 1 year. Well he is back in again and finished his 90 day program and then committed to their 1 year program asking me to wait for him when I saw him on 6-8 so have not seen not spoke to him in months as there is zero communication in this rehab. I had to clean out his place move all of his belongings and his adult 24 year old son out of their apartment and relocated his son to Hawaii. I was left to pack up everything clean everything out and in the middle of it all he canceled his cards and changed his account information so I could no longer access his funds to wrap up all of his affairs for him. So when he made his decision I made mine and decided I would not pay for any of his expenses out of my pocket so I donated everything of his that I had packed up to charity.
I feel so angry sometimes that him going into these programs is just his way of getting out of his responsibilities he does not want to deal with. While I deal with it all on my own and he just gets to work on himself and not deal with anything in life he doesn’t care to. He says I am the selfish one and I just don’t see that.
As a husband he brings no value to my life and yet I still hold out for the day where he finally does it and stops drinking so he can be the husband, father, grandfather he should and could be if he chose to show up for his family.
Holy cow!! I didn't know anyone would enroll a 10-time, 15-time, 17-time relapser!!! I didn't know a person could be in rehab for a year! (One thing I felt when my husband was in residential--twice--was that someone else could babysit him for a while, and I had time to do stuff I needed to do for ME! As much as I missed him, I also felt relief. Did you feel that way when he was gone?)
And all you have done/been forced to do: that you are still sane is unbelievable. G-d bless you. Whether he gets better or not, I hope you find peace.
Yes I have found him many 1 year programs. They say that most alcoholics need the year or two to actually get their chemistry back to normal.
Yes a huge relief him there so I did not half as o worry how he may be found by myself of adult children.
Some days are easy then others that is for sure. By the grace of god I am sane and actually able to take care of businesses, clients and life. Don’t get me wrong on the days I don’t feel like getting out of bed I don’t I give myself one day and then get back on track 🙏
Peace comes from prayer, yoga, affirmations, and a great group of loving friends who make sure to be there for me to keep me busy and doing. Focused on me and not him. I refuse to allow his choices steal my joy in this journey called life.
Michele thank you for this. I am new here but this really hits home. I keep waiting and I am always disappointed. I keep hoping, and that hope fades away. Then you get a good day and you feel , ok it’s now but then it never lasts Then I feel sorry for him that he has all these demons and underneath his addiction he is a kind person but that person is fading away as time goes by. I am hoping from your perspective and experiences you share with us and starting counseling I will get the courage to do what is right do me. Thank you for all you do.
I keep cleaning up the messes left after promises have been broken. Then I promise myself this time is the last, then walk back my decision again and again.
Cassie I do the same, maybe us being here will help us be a bit stronger and when ready we will know it’s ok to move on, and we can do so without guilt 🙏.
This one really hit home. There have been nothing but broken promises from both of us since 2020/2021. Him promising to stop and me promising I’m leaving if he doesn’t. Two of my three children live with us. My son says we can’t financially survive. I HATE feeling I have no choice. His drinking has gotten worse the last two years. I love him AND I just don’t think he will ever change😢😢
So many broken promises in my marriage. And I continue to feel them even after my divorce. My ex husband promised to always co-parent with me and put our daughters needs first and always make sure that mom was number one even when he moved on. He’s now remarried and his new wife is taking over. He’s allowing her to dictate when my daughter sees me on my birthday etc. the broken promise of co-parenting well together is so sad to me.
This is powerful. I have constantly been lied to by my boyfriend who struggles w addiction, mainly heroin. We have a three year old and he promised me he wasn’t high around her. He’s driven high with her in the car and used around here and at the times I genuinely convinced myself he was being honest. This is his second relapse after being out of jail for three yeats and I still can’t bring myself to leave
Marie, we totally understand how you feel. Don’t worry about leaving or staying. Just try focusing on safety for now. You’re a good mom. Protect your baby and yourself as best you can. 💕
I have broken promises to myself about setting boundaries. ALL THE TIME. I struggle with saying no and putting my food down. This means she will never change, she knows mom will always bail her out. In the end it's a disservice to my daughter.
I am committed to make my life better and more stable for me and our kids, but the broken promises from my husband have a huge impact on me. I had no idea of where we were financially before, but trying to catch up on the mess now is a heavy burden on me. My husband was set free from his struggles with addiction on 9/4/2020. (1 day before my daughter’s birthday, and 4 days after my birthday) I am living with all of these broken promises. Damn.
This hits home big time. Rollercoaster. It’s highs of hope and the feeling that the relief of their success is so close you can taste the happily ever after! Followed by devastating disappointment and utter exhaustion knowing that you’re back again in that place where all of your hope has very quickly turned into complete hopelessness. Then the hope high comes again, but never lasts long before you’re plummeting again.
For me, loving someone with addiction is like walking through the forest in the pitch black, determined to get to where you want to go but constantly tripping up and feeling scared, lost and lonely. Then a light comes on in the distance so you follow with relief and determination, getting closer and closer until it goes out. The dark struggle continues but you think you have an idea of where to go, until the light comes on again only now it’s in a different direction and further away! On and on it goes chasing that bloody light in pitch black getting more tired and jaded every time it fades away.
My promise that I struggle with is to stay in my lane. I watch like a hawk the changes that I know indicate he is breaking his promises. But then I realize he didn’t actually make the promise, he just silently lets me believe he made it. He says he is doing his program but is upset that I don’t acknowledge the work he is doing but everything is so fragmented around me. How am I supposed to say good job for doing what you are supposed to do? I don’t get acknowledgment for what I am doing. I don’t expect it anymore. I picked the hardest job to jump back into- real estate- the work that breaks your budget (which is zero) before the payoff comes. Why did I choose the profession that seasoned agents are jumping out of in droves? Only deep down can I answer that, but the solving problems for people is probably the base of it. I know I will be successful because I am driven and smart and I do like a good puzzle. Anyway my promise to myself right now is to not quit. I am using the ‘worst’ market to get educated and find the aspect of my business that I can excel, and I will do it. Thanks for the great question!
This one stings. But it’s so good. I keep breaking promises in the form of moving the goal posts for when enough is enough and I can divorce without guilt.
I’m perpetually rationalizing away his mistakes and saying when it gets one step worse is when I’ll go.
Same 🙋🏼♀️ I love how honest you’re being with yourself 💪🏻💝
I just found this website and podcast and I am in the exact same boat. I am so terrified of the guilt and blindsiding him that I haven’t kicked him out yet. I keep waiting for the next big bad thing to happen “and that will be when I kick him out”
I don’t want to end it and feel bad about it 😞. I wish he would just leave me so I didn’t have to make the decision.
I do the same thing and have for years. Everyone sharing here has made me realize we are not alone in this struggle and it seems very rare that the one with addiction actually makes the choice best for us and our families. Than you for sharing 🙏.
Michelle, you have changed my life for the better. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
I started listening to your podcast when COVID started. You are the first person in my life who really understood what I was going through. You opened my eyes to so much, and provide such honest perspective. I'm still figuring my situation out (my husband is addicted to pot and alcohol), and I really just wanted to say thank you so much for creating this community. I feel less alone.
Thank you. My husband on paper but we have not live together since 2019 when he came out of his 17th stint in rehab and that time had been in for 1 year. Well he is back in again and finished his 90 day program and then committed to their 1 year program asking me to wait for him when I saw him on 6-8 so have not seen not spoke to him in months as there is zero communication in this rehab. I had to clean out his place move all of his belongings and his adult 24 year old son out of their apartment and relocated his son to Hawaii. I was left to pack up everything clean everything out and in the middle of it all he canceled his cards and changed his account information so I could no longer access his funds to wrap up all of his affairs for him. So when he made his decision I made mine and decided I would not pay for any of his expenses out of my pocket so I donated everything of his that I had packed up to charity.
I feel so angry sometimes that him going into these programs is just his way of getting out of his responsibilities he does not want to deal with. While I deal with it all on my own and he just gets to work on himself and not deal with anything in life he doesn’t care to. He says I am the selfish one and I just don’t see that.
As a husband he brings no value to my life and yet I still hold out for the day where he finally does it and stops drinking so he can be the husband, father, grandfather he should and could be if he chose to show up for his family.
Not selfish at all Sara. Quite the opposite.
Holy cow!! I didn't know anyone would enroll a 10-time, 15-time, 17-time relapser!!! I didn't know a person could be in rehab for a year! (One thing I felt when my husband was in residential--twice--was that someone else could babysit him for a while, and I had time to do stuff I needed to do for ME! As much as I missed him, I also felt relief. Did you feel that way when he was gone?)
And all you have done/been forced to do: that you are still sane is unbelievable. G-d bless you. Whether he gets better or not, I hope you find peace.
Yes I have found him many 1 year programs. They say that most alcoholics need the year or two to actually get their chemistry back to normal.
Yes a huge relief him there so I did not half as o worry how he may be found by myself of adult children.
Some days are easy then others that is for sure. By the grace of god I am sane and actually able to take care of businesses, clients and life. Don’t get me wrong on the days I don’t feel like getting out of bed I don’t I give myself one day and then get back on track 🙏
Peace comes from prayer, yoga, affirmations, and a great group of loving friends who make sure to be there for me to keep me busy and doing. Focused on me and not him. I refuse to allow his choices steal my joy in this journey called life.
🫶🫶🙌🙌🙏🙏
Michele thank you for this. I am new here but this really hits home. I keep waiting and I am always disappointed. I keep hoping, and that hope fades away. Then you get a good day and you feel , ok it’s now but then it never lasts Then I feel sorry for him that he has all these demons and underneath his addiction he is a kind person but that person is fading away as time goes by. I am hoping from your perspective and experiences you share with us and starting counseling I will get the courage to do what is right do me. Thank you for all you do.
You described it perfectly. 💯you already have the courage Liz - and I hope this community and counseling remind you. 🥰
I keep cleaning up the messes left after promises have been broken. Then I promise myself this time is the last, then walk back my decision again and again.
Compassion for self Cassie. It's ok, you're doing your best and learning. That's something to be proud of.
Cassie I do the same, maybe us being here will help us be a bit stronger and when ready we will know it’s ok to move on, and we can do so without guilt 🙏.
This one really hit home. There have been nothing but broken promises from both of us since 2020/2021. Him promising to stop and me promising I’m leaving if he doesn’t. Two of my three children live with us. My son says we can’t financially survive. I HATE feeling I have no choice. His drinking has gotten worse the last two years. I love him AND I just don’t think he will ever change😢😢
Yes! How many times did I threaten to leave but never did? (Until I finally did;)) Too many to count.
So many broken promises in my marriage. And I continue to feel them even after my divorce. My ex husband promised to always co-parent with me and put our daughters needs first and always make sure that mom was number one even when he moved on. He’s now remarried and his new wife is taking over. He’s allowing her to dictate when my daughter sees me on my birthday etc. the broken promise of co-parenting well together is so sad to me.
Shel, sweet Shel we understand. 💕
This is powerful. I have constantly been lied to by my boyfriend who struggles w addiction, mainly heroin. We have a three year old and he promised me he wasn’t high around her. He’s driven high with her in the car and used around here and at the times I genuinely convinced myself he was being honest. This is his second relapse after being out of jail for three yeats and I still can’t bring myself to leave
Marie, we totally understand how you feel. Don’t worry about leaving or staying. Just try focusing on safety for now. You’re a good mom. Protect your baby and yourself as best you can. 💕
I have broken promises to myself about setting boundaries. ALL THE TIME. I struggle with saying no and putting my food down. This means she will never change, she knows mom will always bail her out. In the end it's a disservice to my daughter.
Broken promises.
This one stings for me.
I am committed to make my life better and more stable for me and our kids, but the broken promises from my husband have a huge impact on me. I had no idea of where we were financially before, but trying to catch up on the mess now is a heavy burden on me. My husband was set free from his struggles with addiction on 9/4/2020. (1 day before my daughter’s birthday, and 4 days after my birthday) I am living with all of these broken promises. Damn.
Big hug for you while you tackle the finances.
I am sorry for your loss, you are stronger then you realize and things maybe tough but keep moving forward one step at a time. You got this girl🙏.
This hits home big time. Rollercoaster. It’s highs of hope and the feeling that the relief of their success is so close you can taste the happily ever after! Followed by devastating disappointment and utter exhaustion knowing that you’re back again in that place where all of your hope has very quickly turned into complete hopelessness. Then the hope high comes again, but never lasts long before you’re plummeting again.
For me, loving someone with addiction is like walking through the forest in the pitch black, determined to get to where you want to go but constantly tripping up and feeling scared, lost and lonely. Then a light comes on in the distance so you follow with relief and determination, getting closer and closer until it goes out. The dark struggle continues but you think you have an idea of where to go, until the light comes on again only now it’s in a different direction and further away! On and on it goes chasing that bloody light in pitch black getting more tired and jaded every time it fades away.
My promise that I struggle with is to stay in my lane. I watch like a hawk the changes that I know indicate he is breaking his promises. But then I realize he didn’t actually make the promise, he just silently lets me believe he made it. He says he is doing his program but is upset that I don’t acknowledge the work he is doing but everything is so fragmented around me. How am I supposed to say good job for doing what you are supposed to do? I don’t get acknowledgment for what I am doing. I don’t expect it anymore. I picked the hardest job to jump back into- real estate- the work that breaks your budget (which is zero) before the payoff comes. Why did I choose the profession that seasoned agents are jumping out of in droves? Only deep down can I answer that, but the solving problems for people is probably the base of it. I know I will be successful because I am driven and smart and I do like a good puzzle. Anyway my promise to myself right now is to not quit. I am using the ‘worst’ market to get educated and find the aspect of my business that I can excel, and I will do it. Thanks for the great question!