What To Do With The Kids If Our Partner Is Drinking or Using Drugs

Knowing what to do when our loved one starts drinking or using drugs around the children can be difficult. Here’s one helpful tip: We don’t need to stick around when they're making bad choices. We can ask them to leave the house. If they refuse or they’re too drunk, we can pick up our keys, grab the kids, and head right out the door.

Over the years, I have had some women say to me, “Michelle, it’s not that easy. What if they decide to follow me? What if the kids are busy and don’t want to leave the house?” And here’s the loving but hard truth: sometimes, this disease requires us to do things that are not easy.

I had three young kids when I was married to my partner, who suffers from addiction. And I completely understand it’s not easy. There were moments when I had to wake up my baby from a nap and get the older kids out of the house. After we were divorced, there was an evening I had to drive until 3 am from another state to rescue my kids from his house because he was drunk and out of control, and my kids were scared and hiding in the bathroom. The reality of this disease is unfair, cruel, and terrifying. I think that’s why so many people don’t talk about it.

If we know they might follow us to the car when we try to leave (this also used to happen to me), we can call the police (I had to do that three different times). Having the police show up at my house was embarrassing; the neighbors were definitely looking, but it showed my partner that I meant what I said, “Let me leave, or I am calling the police.” Calling the police also says: take me seriously when I say leave the house or leave me alone.

We HAVE to be willing to teach this disease (and our partners) that we mean what we say. We can courageously stand up to addiction by removing our loved ones and ourselves from potentially dangerous or damaging situations.

One of the very wise women who is a part of our Love Over Addiction community shared her thoughts on this question I asked: "What do you do when you think your loved one might drink this weekend?" This is what she wrote:

My new thing to say in general is, "Will you let me know if you're planning to drink tonight? If so, the kids and I are going to go....(do whatever)." This lets him know that I'm not interested in being around it, that I'm not trying to control his behavior, and that I have a plan in place. Sometimes, he will say, "I'm fine without it," which is great. Other times, he drinks, and we do something else. It's tiring but more peaceful.

I think that’s brilliant. Staying in a relationship with someone suffering from addiction takes courage and commitment. I am so proud of her, and I am so proud of you, too.

What has worked for you? I would love to hear from you in the comments.

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