Jun 2Liked by Michelle Anderson

This is what my list looks like:


Paying bills

All things technology

Working full time

School part time

Meal planning

Grocery shopping

Setting everyone’s appointments for everything

Keeping track of all pet meds, etc.

Vacation planning

Taking my son to all activities


Being the support system for my 3 kids all dealing with my husband’s addiction.

There are probably a dozen more things to be honest but these are the biggies.

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The timing on this couldn't be any better. The last 2 days, I've been looking at my husband with such disgust, total feeling of being taken advantage of. I do things for him because that's my nature but I also feel like if my partner doesn't act similarly, then I am putting way mote thab they are, feeling empty and depletes. While they still have their hand out asking for more. So just a quick example of my last 2 days, I get paid once a month, he gets paid every 2 weeks, we don't currently live together and our finances are seperate. So of course it's the begging of the month he wants me to pay for everything because I have the money, he also said I have help from my kids which is rediculous based on the amount of rent I pay. I just see him worrying about only him and it makes me sick.

I was up late last night making his lunch for work this week, he told me he appreciated it, but his actions are like a spoiled brat. I had to work this morning, you would think he would wake up and say manse did alot for me last night maybe I can help her this morning, let the dogs out, feed em, make my coffee, anythin?? Nope he gets up and from the bed listens to his sport shows and then has the nerve to ask me if I have time to have sex.. I really wanted to throw up!! Everytime I try to talk to him, just to collaborate an issue or anything, he never provides any suppoer or help. The most recent thing I was talking to him about was our dog and taking hwr to the vet, they wanted $1500 for nothing and I may need to board her for my daughters birthday at the end of the month. He didnt even respond. When i asked him why doesnt he engage or even acr concerned, he says cause your not going to like what i have to say! He says give her to someone that can afford her and take care of her, i have too much on my plate. I was so mad, i started crying and walked away.. Anyhoo, these are just a few things that make me have hatred and resentment for him. I'm not even sure if I like the person he is or has become..

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My hubs is actually doing much better for the past year and a half so things are much better than they used to be. I just have to say though, it is SO GOOD to hear Michelle's voice again! So reassuring and calming.

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My list:

Food shopping (getting and putting away)

All cleaning

Getting up every night with 7 month old (because he can't be trusted to stay awake - last time he did a night feed, I found her screaming on his lap with his hand over her face!😭 he just couldn't wake up!! NEVER AGAIN)

Supporting 12 year old and 16 year old

All washing (except his..I've only recently implemented that!)

Helping my 12 year old get eady for school

All cooking and preparing meals

Paying bills

Making and going to docs appointments

Getting all presents at Christmas and kids birthdays - he does his family

Sorting out repairs from landlord

Managing finances

He changes the bins but only when I ask him to.

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I so agree with you, Olivia. I too, have been with this person for over 20 years and have ignored the signs. I have a huge list also but thankfully no pets or young kids. I am alone with absolutely everything while he sits in the garage and drinks, every. single. day. I used to get hurt feelings, throw tantrums, cry, give ultimatums, those didn't work. Then I went totally in the opposite direction and was very nice, understanding, cooked lovely meals even though working a full day. I did get a thank you but nothing done for me. Now, it's sad but we are just roommates. I have my own hobbies, go to movies or out to eat by myself. I did LOA and have a workbook I write in. I have a dream board that Michelle suggested we all do. It does help, life does not always have to revolve around them and their addictions. I don't feel quite so alone when I read these comments. Al-anon is just a bitch session, no help. Thank you all for sharing your feelings🤗 hugs all around!!

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Love it!! I’m going to listen and read several times! Thank you Michelle. This would also help my mom. If I share it can she listen too without being a paid subscriber?

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I am new to sub substack. Interesting to begin one’s own site. But more into Michele and others comments etc and responding snd sharing. Re this audio yes thumbs up.

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My husband does some routine things without prompting--lije trash and recycling. He fixes stuff, and without him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know how to work the TV. 😋. But everything else--EVERYTHING ELSE--is mine, all mine. Of course I love scopping cat poop everyday, so I shouldn't complain.

The real problem is that I was injured several years ago and can't work--or drive. So when he is drunk and feeling especially mean, he talks about "his money" and that he can spend it any way he wants--because I can't work. Then he asks if I wanna know how much I "owe" him.

After I saw an atty. to get advice on protecting my access to our resources, I informed DH that we live in a no-fault divorce state, and that he may be in for a shock if I am forced to challenge him on that point. I haven't heard a word about it since! And I have been gathering information on all savings, property, retirement, and investments, and I've gotten my name added to everything I know about. (He only agrees to it because he knows I'd win in court.)

But bringing it back to today's topic, I am responsible for the entire house and everything in it: the cat, the food, the repairs, the entire cleaning responsibility, the lawn (including 2 porches, a patio, and plants) gift procurement, travel or event plans, medical bills (his), etc... If I had no disability, I still wouldn't be able to get it all done. But with limitations??? Out of his MIND. So I keep my areas clean: my bedroom (not his), my bathroom, the kitchen. If I have time and feel like I can do it, I touch things up in other rooms so that the health department doesn't condemn the house. (I'm kidding.)

My "give it back" list? About half of it. That seems fair. To me.

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Here's my list:

Do Everything

I feel like my husband just doesn't even care that he lives in a house full of mess and trash. I've tried the don't do his share bit, but the anxiety is overwhelming when I need to have at least one small tiny space that is clean and that I can call my own. I've been super sick for over a week, and rather than help out and make things easier, he's just keeps adding trash to the piles, dishes to the sink, dirty clothes to the floor and on and on. Mind you, I am not perfect by any means, but I feel the constant weight of the full burden of doing everything all the time, and it's literally taken a toll on my body physically and mentally.

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Michelle, please continue this! Love listening vs reading!❤️

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Omg I missed Michelle's calming voice. I miss my weekly podcast that I would listen to on Sundays but yes I partly made a list but it was hard because there is so much that I do I had to split it up throughout the day like morning, afternoon, and evening and I'm probably gunna have to add more things like budgeting and making appointments. I didn't even think about that until I looked at everyone else's lists.

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This post hit home once again, and I'm struggling with this. I think I'm especially struggling with what Michelle mentions as inevitable seasons when it's harder to balance. I just moved, which is always hard and was made harder by the fact that I couldn't share the load with my spouse. My SAH and I recently moved to another town, in another state, about 4 hours away. He has been in sober living for about 8 months now. Early on, he said I'd have to carry more of the weight of the move because he wasn't at home. Even closer to, when I tried to involve him in key decisions, he mentioned that he couldn't really weigh in because he hadn't been at home in many months. He took a 10-day leave from sober living to help with the move. On his first day home, he launched into a diatribe about how I have too many belongings and he can't really motivate himself for this move because we're mostly bringing my stuff. He had a lot of feedback about my choices related to the move - how I'd cut corners trying to save money, etc etc. He helped half-heartedly at best, despite my visible anxiety, tears and stress. I made the move for me (it's a better job opportunity) and so, ultimately, I dug deep and did what I needed to do to make that happen. Interestingly, from his perspective (and as he boldly told our friends mid-move), I wouldn't let him help. I know Michelle's post was about creating a list for ourselves that is manageable to start with. And I think I'd have been kinder to myself - hiring help, etc. - the next time. But when I've cooled down and gotten rest, I'd like to share some of my experience with my spouse in addition to making my list. Has anyone had luck in approaching a spouse on this topic?

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Still working on my list, but just wanted to say how excited I was to hear Michelle’s voice again! ❤️

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