Thank you for sharing this newsletter. I am continuing to choose not to be on social media, YouTube, or any other “platform.” For now, let’s keep this organically grown. If you know someone who could use a little encouragement, instruction, or hope - I would be so grateful if you share this safe space with them. Thank you, thank you:)
It’s my son’s birthday today.
Seventeen years ago, I was in the operating room, lying on my back, staring at the bright light on the ceiling during a c-section. Half a dozen medical staff were all working quietly in unison, and yet I was alone.
My husband had called me the night before and said, “I can’t come home. Ever. I don’t want another baby - I never did.”
And then he hung up. Disconnected. From me and our unborn child.
The next morning, my parents drove me to the hospital. The kind woman at the check-in asked if this was my husband with a confused look on her face.
“No,” I said. “That’s my step-father. My husband is away on business.”
I lied - kind of.
My husband treated his addiction like a full-time job.
While I was the chef, chauffeur, housekeeper, and financial planner for our family of four, soon to be five, he was the CEO and Founder of entertainment. One of the many problems of that self-appointed position was that the only one being “entertained” in our family was himself, and the kind of entertainment he enjoyed involved other women, lots of liquid with high alcohol content, and illegal substances.
And his "job" was always more important than his family.
So there I was, alone in the operating room, trying so hard to feel the joy of seeing my baby for the first time, but also wondering: “Is this another one of his three-day binges? Will he ever come back home? Am I now a single mother of three?”
Addiction has no boundaries or respect. It will steal even the most precious moments from us.
I would love to tell you I remember the moment when the nurse put my newborn in my arms - but I don’t. The next few days were so painful I must have blocked them out. All I can recall is sitting in the hospital room and thinking, “I need to get out of here so I can be home if he returns.”
That is why they call addiction a family disease. Clearly, I was suffering from addiction, too.
I was addicted to the addict.
So once again, I lied - kind of.
I told the hospital staff I needed to check out a day early. “I have a special needs child at home who requires my care,” I said. That part is true, but thankfully, my mother was visiting and offering to help.
Instead of staying in the hospital and allowing myself and my baby to be cared for by loving, trained medical staff, I put myself and my son at risk so I could wait at home just in case my husband decided we were, in fact, worth returning home to.
My friends and family who have never loved someone suffering from addiction will never understand that choice, which is why I kept it a secret.
I felt so ashamed of the woman addiction had turned me into.
That was exactly seventeen years ago. Everything has changed since then.
I found my way out of that marriage, and I found myself again. I decided: No matter how broke, scared, and alone I would be, leaving him was best for me and my children.
I am happy to report that every birthday since, I have been present, joyful, and so grateful for my healthy baby boy.
Thankyou for sharing! Married 30 years to an alcoholic CEO of entertainment myself...lol! You stated it SO well!! Its incredibly frustrating and heartbreaking. So many times of feeling like the fun governor, never being able to enjoy the moment, just worrying about the impact of his bad choices. Having to make all the responsible, tough and difficult choices. I am learning to control my codependency behavior and not feel responsible for the consequences of his bad behavior. Easier said than done, though. He is a wonderful man when sober and everyone else loves him, but I can never depend on or fully trust in him. The lies, DUIs, infidelity take its toll. Then he gets sober for a time and is Mr Wonderful again. Its confusing and exhausting. I try to keep up the hope but, for now, spending more time investing in myself to reduce the stress and anxiety of living with his addiction.
I am so honored that you chose to share this story with “us” and proud of you for being so real! Your honesty helps so many others. I can relate to this story so much. It’s not that the same incident happened to me, but other incidents led me to feel/act in a similar way. I also became an “addict” to my AH and his behavior. I truly thought I could control his drinking if I was in his presence. That’s a BIG lie and the sad part is - I was the one telling myself that lie and believing it. It’s called desperation. The thing is - we should not be so hard on ourselves. Living with an active addict
S L O W L Y changes us over the years. The confident and sensible person we once were becomes conditioned by fear, chaos, anxiety and depression. If it goes on for too long, we lose ourselves to the disease. We become irrational. We become “frozen” in the midst of their addiction - until we can finally dig ourselves out and little by little begin to reverse our own “learned/dysfunctional” behavior. My AH is now sober, but I know I must keep getting the support I need for ME so I never fall back into that place again. I’m so happy your life has turned around and you are thriving. You deserve it. We all do.