How To Handle Anger

Anger isn't something we need to feel ashamed about. It's not an emotion we need to ignore. Anger can be a warning signal. So let's talk about how to handle it.

Do you ever feel angry because your loved one has an issue with drugs, drinking, pornography, gambling, or sex?

No judgment here. You're safe.

May I ask you another question (or three)?

Do you feel guilty about feeling angry?

When anger takes over your body, do you say things you later regret?

Or do you continue being "nice" and just shove, shove, shove the anger down further and further until you can almost pretend you've forgotten about it?

The subject of anger is tricky for women. I once heard a famous author say she wrote one paragraph in her book about anger and received more criticism and attention about that paragraph than any other part of the book (and this was a New York Times best-seller).

Another highly respected female author said when she dared to talk about her anger, she lost a lot of readers who refused to buy her books.

Why are we so angry when women express anger?

Unless we're robots, anger is a natural emotion, and it especially makes a regular appearance in our lives if we are being lied to, manipulated, or hurt by the disease of addiction.

Anger is an important emotion for us to pay attention to.

Dr. Harriet Lerner discusses the theory of anger in her excellent book: The Dance of Anger.

"Anger is a signal worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self – our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions – is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expenses of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain, anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say 'no' to the ways in which we are defined by others and 'yes' to the dictates of our inner self."

Don't you just love that? Anger isn't something we need to feel ashamed about. It's not an emotion we need to ignore.

Anger can be a warning signal. Our insides are letting us know that something isn't right.

In Dr. Lerner's book, she writes about how women are dismissed or called irrational when they show their anger.

• Has the one you love dismissed your anger when you're upset because they have been making hurtful choices?

• Have they told you that you were being irrational or dramatic?

Here are some steps to start practicing next time something comes up that results in you feeling angry:

1. Check yourself before reacting. Get a clear head and understanding of why you're angry. Take a break to take self-inventory.

Approach your loved one when they're sober - not when they are high or drunk.

There's no sense in talking to an addict about your feelings when they are trying to numb theirs.

Wait until they are sober, clear-headed, and able to receive your feelings.

2. When you choose to share your anger, make sure you're in a respectful and controlled state of mind and heart. I am not saying you need to disguise your anger, but you do need to be in control of it.

Make it clear why you're feeling upset but try not to hang on to their reaction. You're expressing your frustrations because you think giving your feelings a voice is important.

You're making space and respecting your warning sign that something isn't sitting right with you.

The healthy expression of your anger is an exercise for YOUR mental and spiritual health. It's not about convincing your loved one to change their behavior.

Because we all know not to expect change from someone struggling with addiction unless they want to change.

3. Walk away if they are not respectful. Be prepared for defensiveness if they can't receive your feelings. That's okay. You accomplished your goal of communicating your anger in a respectful and dignified way. You cherished your own feelings by giving them a voice. Congratulate yourself, and choose to end the conversation if your loved one isn't ready to hear you.

You can still celebrate your victory.

You will be okay no matter what happens to the one you love. You have a desire to get healthy. You are open-minded and ready to change.

I am proud of you for trying. You didn't give up on yourself.

What are some of the traps you have fallen into when it comes to anger, and what have you found helpful?

What can you do differently next time you’re feeling angry? Writing it down in the comments section can be really helpful.

I would love to hear from you in the comments.

P.S. I don’t “do” social media or guest appearances right now - my goal is to organically grow this community through you, the readers:). If you know someone who needs encouragement, please share this with them.

When I am feeling upset, this is one of my favorite spots to process my feelings. That water with the blue and green…