How To Handle Anger
Anger isn't something we need to feel ashamed about. It's not an emotion we need to ignore. Anger can be a warning signal. So let's talk about how to handle it.
Do you ever feel angry because your loved one has an issue with drugs, drinking, pornography, gambling, or sex?
No judgment here. You're safe.
May I ask you another question (or three)?
Do you feel guilty about feeling angry?
When anger takes over your body, do you say things you later regret?
Or do you continue being "nice" and just shove, shove, shove the anger down further and further until you can almost pretend you've forgotten about it?
The subject of anger is tricky for women. I once heard a famous author say she wrote one paragraph in her book about anger and received more criticism and attention about that paragraph than any other part of the book (and this was a New York Times best-seller).
Another highly respected female author said when she dared to talk about her anger, she lost a lot of readers who refused to buy her books.
Why are we so angry when women express anger?
Unless we're robots, anger is a natural emotion, and it especially makes a regular appearance in our lives if we are being lied to, manipulated, or hurt by the disease of addiction.
Anger is an important emotion for us to pay attention to.
Dr. Harriet Lerner discusses the theory of anger in her excellent book: The Dance of Anger.
"Anger is a signal worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right. Our anger may tell us that we are not addressing an important emotional issue in our lives, or that too much of our self – our beliefs, values, desires, or ambitions – is being compromised in a relationship. Our anger may be a signal that we are doing more and giving more than we can comfortably do or give. Our anger may warn us that others are doing too much for us, at the expenses of our own competence and growth. Just as physical pain, anger preserves the very integrity of our self. Our anger can motivate us to say 'no' to the ways in which we are defined by others and 'yes' to the dictates of our inner self."
Don't you just love that? Anger isn't something we need to feel ashamed about. It's not an emotion we need to ignore.
Anger can be a warning signal. Our insides are letting us know that something isn't right.
In Dr. Lerner's book, she writes about how women are dismissed or called irrational when they show their anger.
Has the one you love dismissed your anger when you're upset because they have been making hurtful choices?
Have they told you that you were being irrational or dramatic?
Here are some steps to start practicing next time something comes up that results in you feeling angry:
Check yourself before reacting. Get a clear head and understanding of why you're angry. Take a break to take self-inventory.
Approach your loved one when they're sober - not when they are high or drunk.
There's no sense in talking to an addict about your feelings when they are trying to numb theirs.
Wait until they are sober, clear-headed, and able to receive your feelings.
When you choose to share your anger, make sure you're in a respectful and controlled state of mind and heart. I am not saying you need to disguise your anger, but you do need to be in control of it.
Make it clear why you're feeling upset but try not to hang on to their reaction. You're expressing your frustrations because you think giving your feelings a voice is important.
You're making space and respecting your warning sign that something isn't sitting right with you.
The healthy expression of your anger is an exercise for YOUR mental and spiritual health. It's not about convincing your loved one to change their behavior.
Because we all know not to expect change from someone struggling with addiction unless they want to change.
Walk away if they are not respectful. Be prepared for defensiveness if they can't receive your feelings. That's okay. You accomplished your goal of communicating your anger in a respectful and dignified way. You cherished your own feelings by giving them a voice. Congratulate yourself, and choose to end the conversation if your loved one isn't ready to hear you.
You can still celebrate your victory.
You will be okay no matter what happens to the one you love. You have a desire to get healthy. You are open-minded and ready to change.
I am proud of you for trying. You didn't give up on yourself.
What are some of the traps you have fallen into when it comes to anger, and what have you found helpful?
What can you do differently next time you’re feeling angry? Writing it down in the comments section can be really helpful.
I would love to hear from you in the comments.
P.S. I don’t “do” social media or guest appearances right now - my goal is to organically grow this community through you, the readers:). If you know someone who needs encouragement, please share this with them.
When I am feeling upset, this is one of my favorite spots to process my feelings. That water with the blue and green…
I’m so glad you are back Michelle- you have helped me so much over the years I can’t express my gratitude enough - I felt so crazy and you helped me understand why I was feeling that way - I have been angry for years but now I am to a point that the anger only hurts me - my kids are grown and it’s just the two of us - so I know from experience that expressing my anger to him only enables him to feel justified in continuing to drink. I take a step back now and say - “this anger I am feeling is a sign that I need to take care of myself - what do I need and what do I want?” And then I do it !
Lately I have been feeling angry. I think it's several things that are causing this. I feel angry because now that my AH has been sober for a few months I feel like he is short with me and rather than asking me for something or to do something, it's like he almost barks orders... I also am growing tired of the little snide comments about the fact that I am not being affectionate towards him. I am having a rough time with that. I have had to live so long with his alcoholic behavior that I have grown accustomed to living MY life and that really hasn't included him because he has alienated himself from family and friends due to the alcoholism. Sometimes I feel like he is going through the dry drunk stage but I am not sure. So it's been a challenge these last few weeks because I find myself getting angry. Angry at the smallest things that are a result of the big things. I try to step back and think before I blurt out whatever comes to mind first. Sometimes I just say 'ok' to appease him and that seems to irritate him. It's like I can't win. At least the 'ok' is better than what I was going to say in the first place. I don't feel like I am handling it well lately and maybe that is because I have a lot on my plate. It just makes me angry that this anger is yet another outcome from the addiction and something else that I must learn how to deal with.