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Mary's avatar

I nearly cheered with joy when you answered, "Nothing" to "So what do you need to do...?" It took me a VERY LONG TIME to realize that I was being manipulated over and over and over again. Now, I just assume that he's lying about pretty much everything. I don't ask him if he stopped at the bar after work - I just assume that he has. I don't ask him what he does every single night by himself, sitting outside smoking and drinking until he passes out most nights, because I know the response will be more bullsh*t and lies. I didn't ask what happened to his knees and his eye when I returned home from a weekend away recently. I just don't bother anymore. I quite literally do nothing. Now, this is no way to live, for sure. I'm not angry, but apathetic. I have plans in my head for getting out relatively unscathed (financially), but it'll take some time. I'm the tiniest bit ashamed to admit that I don't love the man anymore because it feels selfish. But there comes a time when we have to stop putting up with this manipulation and get Puffy Chested with the addiction instead of cowering to its cunning, baffling powers. I refuse to be that victim anymore.

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Tara's avatar

Anyone ever find yourself saying, "I am SO STUPID!!!" over and over after they've lied/manipulated us and we gave them the benefit of the doubt, only to find out it's just Incident # 438? I am really hard on myself when I let it happen. I DO feel crazy because I SWEAR I smell vodka but he says he hasn't had a drink since (last week, last month, our anniversary... whatever. Doesn't matter cuz it's a lie.) Then within a short period of time (hours or days), he gets so sloppy drunk he can't talk or walk without falling down. Then I find the remnants of this round in a pile under his desk: pints, liters, beer cans, vodka. Enough to kill an elephant, and my husband drank it all in a matter of MAYBE 3-4 weeks, probably more like 1. He'd started back up immediately after the most recent time he promised he was going to stop. (AA sux... IOP doesn't help me... I am going to do it on my own... bs bs bs. Repeat cycle.)

What is NOT rock bottom for my husband:

--me having to pick him up from the police station b/c he is literally incoherent and hit a curb--midday--got pulled over. call it white privilege or juju, but he was not charged with anything. HE COULD NOT TALK. so drunk;

--boss telling him he's about to lose his job, then transferring him to a different area he does not want to be in;

--residential. twice;

--all the letters: MM IOP, PHP, SMART, AA, CBT...

--4 hospitalizations for liver toxicity, pancreatitis, reduced kidney function, etc etc plus diabetes, obesity,, high blood pressure, etc etc plus depression and anxiety;

--his mom died just on the heels of one of his rampages and a whole family brouhaha; father with dementia;

--I left.

If that's not enough, I fear nothing short of irrevocable harm would be.

I will give him points for being sober since mom died & I left. He is going to AA and private counselling--of his own accord. I hope the time will come when we can repair the damage and start again, but I will be building a life of my own going forward.

And I DO still love ve him more than anyone in the world.

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